If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize