so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
