did you get engaged???
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
