I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
