You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
