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So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
