We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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