i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
