Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
