If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
