i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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