God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
