oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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