I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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