you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
