I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
