Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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