Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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