I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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