oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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