I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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