Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
