Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You ruined the universe
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize