Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
