Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
