I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize