my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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