dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
