I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
