On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
