cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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