I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
