Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
