He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
