I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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