I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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