My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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