I want to make a zoo with you.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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