low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just want to make out with him forever
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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