my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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