rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
