Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
