I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
