I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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