I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
