peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
