Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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