Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
