Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
worst night to have a conscience
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
