My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
