So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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