I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
