Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just googled if crying burns calories
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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