I think I won the penis lottery.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
