bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
