The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
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