some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
