Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
