I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
