omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
