I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize