ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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