Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
