I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
