i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
