No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
BRING THE BAGELS
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
