Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am puke
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
