So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
