It's Friday. Sex?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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